Writing this as I just need to talk but no one is awake due to it being 2:14am uk time. Sorry if I go into to much information. Self harm trigger warning for the end.
Literally just got home work as I work I'm a bar as a buss person, you know grabbing stuff for the bar staff, wiping down tables, collecting cups etc. Today was actually somewhat good as I was kept busy a nice part of it, heck even picked up a mcdonalds on the way home which was nice. However, now I'm home I just want to cry and actually did. Yesterday as well I didn't know if I wanted to cry or laugh once I got home for some unknown reason.
Stressful things that happened at work include but is far from limited to: feeling like everyone has to do the job that I've been hired to do even though I'm trying my best, not having much to do at times which I hate, going from barely anyone in there one minute to completely full the next (may I just add that we can hold about 500 per night), felt like I was annoying everyone, paranoia as well ad anxiety was through the roof, oh and the most horrible part was cleaning some guy's vomit out of the urinal to which ended up flooding the floor due to me trying to clean it up. Worst part was there was a bin 2 - 3 meters ways from the urinals as well. Pretty sure I had the guy's vomit in my glove as well, literally took 3 of us to clean it up.
Now all I want to do is curl up on the floor by my friend who I have 50 shades of grey relations(if you don't understand it then your to young to know what I'm on about) and just have hugs, cuddles, then have him tell me I'm a good boy. Is that so much to ask?
On a positive note though there was a lot of nice people there tonight, managers are amazing as well as easy to talk to, only had the urge to self harm 1/3 of the time which is better than normal, didn't end up having a breakdown at work, spoke to the photographer to which she had about training me up as a photographer but I do sort of feel like I'd be cheating on my friend who's also a photographer, had after work drinks and got mcdonalds on my way home. So that was nice.
Thank you for anyone and everyone who's actually stayed and read through all of this it really helps.