Yes I feel guilty writing this, I know i'm not normal, i know i'm not a good person even tho i tried/try to be, it feels fake and worthless. and my vent might not make any sense, i don't know how to express myself properly. Ever since I was young, my life would be controlled by contradictory statements and actions, I would get insulted by my family then made to feel guilty and ashamed if it affected me, So I don't confront anything, If I do, I would be told that my feelings weren't justified. I have always thought about suicide and how death would be better, I've had these thoughts since I was 6 years old. I have become cold and I am extremely uncomfortable with affection, I don't want to receive it and I don't know how to show it, even when I do care. When I was younger, I had no friends, No one to talk to, so I observed, I watched how people interacted and how they treated each other, so I mimicked this, and soon I'd have more friends than I could count, this was fake friendship, I realized if I could listen to them, help them, be there for them, they would love me, they did. But this was never returned, I still had no one to talk to about me...Don't get me wrong, I loved helping them, it gave me purpose, but having your own problems and then having to deal with other peoples problems...you fade into the background, you become less than them, not equal, your problems get lost and instead of asking for help, I became passive aggressive. It took a few years before I couldn't keep up the act tho, I had a mental breakdown, cut everyone out of my life. now... I am alone again, I've been alone for 8 years, I do have my family of course, but even this feels fake, I get insulted and broken down, but i know they mean well, I have no accomplishments, Nothing Interesting about me. I'm paranoid and stressed, I'm not happy, I live a life inside my head, while I hide behind screens.To whoever took the time to read this, Thank you.