Im still mad at you. For all the reasons youre afraid of too. Thats the sad part.. you know that Im mad. You know what you did. Sorry isnt enuf. Sorry doesnt erase years of pain. I tried forgiving you. I tried moving on. I tried getting close to you again, but you havent changed. Youre still the victim of every circumstance. Youre still the one having to carry everyone else. You joke and make light of situations at the expense of others. You make and break rules to your benefit. Still.. I tried.
And damned if I know why but Im STILL FUCKING TRYING. EVEN NOW!!!
Youre my mom. Youre supposed to be there when I need you. But I had to take care of you during all the stepdads and boyfriend fiascos. You would hang out with me one minute then push me away the next. You left Me home alone for whole weekends..so you could drink with your boyfriend at his log cabin.
I remember when I stopped talking to you cuz you kept drinking.. I missed you but I didnt. Kind of like now. Youre literally on the other side of a wall and I miss you but dont. You dont drink now or smoke cigarettes or weed. But youre still poisonous. You still make me feel small and weak.. like nothing. Sometimes i want to hate you but its not that easy. Cuz I fucking love you. And you dont care. You dont see me. Or that Im just slowly dying inside cuz id rather be dead then turn out like you.